Monday, February 11, 2013

I hate Kobe Bryant.

Man, I hate Kobe Bryant.

I hate his self-given nickname, and his crooked teeth.

I hate that he goes to the free-throw line seemingly every-time he drives the lane. And on those rare-occasions that he loses the ball on his own, I hate that the refs bail him out with a call.

I hate his demeanor. I hate his stupid underbite that he gets towards the end of the fourth quarter. You look like an idiot Kobe, just stop. And invest in some braces; you arrive at the Staples via helicopter for goodness sake. “Screw the car, I’m Kobe Bryant; I don’t do traffic.”

I hate that he changed his number. Why would you do that?

I hate his success. I hate that he’s won five NBA championships, been selected to 15 all-star games, and totes 14 All-NBA memberships. I hate the he’s led the league in scoring twice, while simultaneously attaining 12 selections to the All-Defensive team. I hate that he’s been named NBA MVP, and Finals MVP twice.

I hate that he burst onto the scene as a teenager; skipping college for the pro’s after breaking the southeastern Pennsylvania record for points in a high-school career, passing the likes of Wilt Chamberlain and Lionel Simmons, easily winning the Naismith prep player of the year. I hate that while his former classmates and teammates were studying for freshman midterms, Kobe was busy becoming the youngest player to ever win the slam-dunk contest at the ripe age of 18. But don’t you know college is important Kobe?

I hate his game. I hate that it is a well-known fact in the NBA that Kobe’s clutch gene dwarfs everyone-else’s, and that no matter what, with the game on the line, the ball is in his hands (“HE’S GOING TO SHOOT THE BALL YOU IDIOT!!! WHA…NO!!!!DAMMIT!”). I hate that he’s crushed my spirit more than once with his un-paralleled killer instinct that would scare Freddy Kruger. I hate that he owns the Nuggets; especially in the play-offs; Can’t we EVER avoid the Lakers?

I hate that he couldn’t get along with Shaq. It’s Shaq! Yeah, that same Shaq who played Kazaam.

I hate his Nike endorsement. Because I love Nike. And I hate that I laughed at his Nike commercial with Aziz Ansari. No, Kobe, you were not funny.

I hate that he plays on another level. Sure, Lebron and Durant might be more talented, but nobody matches Kobe’s intensity. I hate that he can twirl in midair and flip the ball into the basket while getting slammed by 7-foot behemoths, performing impossible athletic choreography. I hate that he can simply take over, spontaneously combusting into a streak of eight…nine…ten in a row. Nothin’ but net.

I hate that he’s compared to MJ; 23 is the greatest of all-time. I hate that he deserves the comparison.

I hate that he comes into my city, and fills my stadium with half Laker fans. Stupid bandwagoners. And I love watching them leave disappointed, only to realize that come playoff time, Kobe will surely return the favor.

Yes, I hate Kobe Bryant.

But, boy, I will hate it when he's gone.

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